Letters #10 - Zamorak does one

Zamorak retaliates!

ZAMORAK MAINTAINS HIS VICELIKE GRIP OVER THE LETTERS SPREADING HIS MESSAGE OF HATE AND DESTRUCTION TO THOSE WHO APPRECIATE SUCH THINGS, AND ANSWERS A FEW QUESTIONS IN HIS OWN UNIQUE style INCLUDING A WILDERNESS SURVIVAL GUIDE, AND VALENTINES DAY BLUES...

Hello, hello, lord of all evildoers. When I read your ninth letter in the Library, I could hardly believe it: my own god, Zamorak, writing to us again. I laughed with delight the whole way through. I want you to know I train every day in the gang's back room, so I can tear apart the followers of goody-goody Saradomin, or whatever his silly name is. Keep blessing, I mean cursing, your devoted followers.

Yours unruly, not truly, Grubor of the Black Arm Gang, Varrock

Thanks for your devotion, but there's nothing worse than a crawler. What were you expecting from me, Full Rune? Drawing inspiration from every other wannabe "teacher's pet" who writes to me, I have deployed three black dragons, who have all agreed to meet with you for dinner.

O great doer of evil,

How is it that your weak younger brother's followers all wear holy symbols of Saradomin, while we in the chapel south of Varrock wear nothing but our robes? Why do you, in all your putrid glory, have no Holy Symbol of Zamorak? If one exists, tell me where, and I will worship you the harder for it. If Saradomin deserves a holy symbol, so do you.

A Monk of Zamorak, of the chapel south of Varrock

This has undoubtedly been one of the most popular requests. Holy symbols of Zamorak are of course illegal in the Saradominist states of Q-pea. But rumour has it that a few have been smuggled in, and can be found in the recently released Observatory Quest.

Dear Zamorak,

If you think you can simply take over the Library's letters, think again. Soon the whole of Falador Park will be writing to you, as if there were no tomorrow.
Besides, if you keep this up, there won't be a tomorrow.

Your enemy that will not stop until you fail,
Sir Tiffy Cashien, of Falador Park

Dear Enemy,

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it has spurred me on to be far more destructive today than I had planned; I was just going to meet Guthix for a pint.
But you're wrong about their being no tomorrow. As a wise old man once told me, "tomorrow never comes".

Except last week, when it came several times. I had the man killed of course.

To the abbot who complains of deceit in the Wilderness: if you do not want to lose your things, here are a few rules from the camp.

1. Trust no one

2. Trust No One

3. TRUST NO ONE
Follow them, and bandits like me will not get the chance to kill you. Ignore them, and we will.

A true bandit,
A Bandit of the Bandit Camp, in the Wilderness

Ah, a bandit with a brain, a rare thing indeed. But I thought the first rule of PKing was "Don't talk about PKing", and the second rule was "DON'T TALK ABOUT PKING!"
That's what one of the black knights told me anyway, when we were having a little chat about PKing.

Dear Almighty Zamorak,

Should there not be some safe places in the Wilderness, a house or two to shelter in?

I hunt rats for a living, and every time I follow a fat one into the Wilderness, a man twice my strength nearly kills me. I need somewhere to hide from them. Could you raise a house, or a little town, out there with your great powers, for your loyal people of the Wilderness?

Rat Burgiss, ratcatcher, south of Varrock

For god's sake- all three of us- that's the whole point about the wilderness- it's dangerous! And as much as I despise my brother Saradomin, even he recognises that the wilderness is a place of chaos, death and destruction.

We're not trying to run a theme park here...

Zamorak, I pray to the wrong god, I know, but hear me anyway. My parishioners walk everywhere at the same slow pace. Grant them a way to hurry: a prayer that spends their prayer, or a burst of the legs that tires them. They could charge into a fight, or, more often in my parish, run away from one.

Let evil reign, just this once.

Father Lawrence, of the church in Varrock

Hmmm, it's funny you should mention that. I happen to know that the Council of Q-pea is toying with the idea of some sort of speed burst or running ability, which would probably induce fatigue. So well done on anticipating this change: Great minds think alike. Fools seldom differ.

Dear fiend of dastardly doings,

I sell law runes in Port Sarim, and my customers keep buying them for one reason. They say that at the far end of the Wilderness lies a set of full rune armour that only a telekinetic grab can reach. You love the Wilderness, so you will know. I hear you ignore most questions, but answer this one, because I am running out of law runes. Betty, of Betty's Magic Emporium, Port Sarim.

Well I'm certainly not ignorant of anything. A tad lazy maybe... but since this is a newsletter I can hardly "prove" that this is in fact untrue. I can only "tell you" that it is a blatant lie, presumably designed to lure foolish adventurers towards the mythical bounty, like a sailor to a siren. So full marks to whoever came up with it.

I am deeply disappointed in you and your brothers. Did all the gods fall asleep? You forgot Valentine's day. Three all-knowing gods, and not one of you remembered the day of love. The worst of it: I waited under Juliet's balcony from midnight until three, with a rose, wondering why nothing was happening. Gods are not what they used to be.

Your unfaithful servant, Romeo, of Varrock square

P.S. Since you are not all-knowing, you probably will not get this, and will not do anything about it. So I have no worries.

I didn't forget Valentines and nor did Saradomin. We both gave and received Valentines cards, in fact. The one I got was from Saradomin's (now ex) girlfriend- now that's what I call all-powerful!
So all you've really told me is that no-one wanted to give YOU anything. In which case I suggest you take a good hard look in the mirror and start asking yourself some difficult questions.

Hey Zamorak

I sell rune weapons to the champions of the Guild, and they all want the same thing: a special move in battle that hits a little harder. Not magic, not prayer. A slash, a stab, a swing with something extra behind it.

Scavvo, of the Champions' Guild rune shop

Yes, when the new game engine update happens it will include weapons with their own special moves. And they'll be a lot more exciting than your piffling little stabs and slashes.

Evil one, I warn you.

I hear that after the Deepening, many fighters may strike one beast together. It sounds a fine idea, but I have seen where it leads. Before I came to the Duel Arena, I tended the wounded at the pits of the east, where such fights were allowed. When the crowds grew, cheats crowded every fight, waiting to land the last blow and take the prize...
Unless a fighter can refuse company in his own fight, I urge you to stop it. Stop Andrew, at least. You do have evil powers, do you not? Jaraah, surgeon of the Duel Arena, Al Kharid.

The details of multi-player fighting are still being decided, but there will be an option to disable multi-player fighting for those who want to fight alone. I do know that the revamped game system will allow us to have a combat system that is very fair and accurate in it's designation of hits and scores. I did try to argue with Andrew against all this fairness, but he wasn't having it.

Strength through chaos -

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god. But if you would like to converse with the dastardly one...