Letters #11 - Zamorak Loves Letters

Zamorak speaks out

ZAMORAK TAKES TIME OUT FROM HIS HECTIC LIFEstyle OF SPREADING CHAOS TO ANSWER A FEW MORTALS QUERIES.

HOT TOPICS THIS TIME INCLUDE Q-PEA AS FAMILY BONDING, THOSE MYSTERIOUS RED CARDS THAT HAVE RECENTLY APPEARED AND THOSE OH-SO ELUSIVE EASTER BUNNY EARS...

Its been a busy time for me recently, theres just so much evil to be done, and so little time to do it in... but all my faithful followers will be glad to know I have a double sized edition of letters for you all.
I even actually answer some questions sent to me in a rare display of good temper.

Dear Oh Evil One Zamorak,

I keep a map of the whole world on the wall of my tavern corner, so my drinking friends can argue over it. There is a great blank at the top, where the Wilderness should be. Why is there no map of the one place you rule?

Yours resentfully

Jonny the beard, of the Blue Moon Inn, Varrock

The council once put together a team of highly qualified cartographers, and issued them with large amounts of gold and lobsters as provisions, then sent them into the wilderness to map it.

Needless to say, my followers there ate very well that night.

The council didn't really want to send any more mappers after that for some strange reason.

Dear Zamorak,
I have seen your Wine of Zamorak standing on the table in your temple, and the monks who beat any outlander that reaches for it. I traded a pitcher of it once, for a bundle of furs. It cannot be drunk, and I have found no use for it. Has your wine any purpose? Or is the whole temple a trap, to kill those who think they are winning a prize that is no prize at all?
Please answer to this question Zamorak,

Baraek, fur trader of Varrock square

As much as I like the idea of meaningless death, Wine of Zamorak does indeed have a purpose. You just obviously haven't discovered it yet...

Also, as much as I approve of general stealing, I really wish people wouldn't keep stealing MY wine. Can't you all just steal Saradomin's stuff instead?

Lord Zamorak,

Hello Zamorak. I knit by the fire, and I have time to wonder. I would like you to think back for me. Why, when and how were you banned from walking our world? What exactly did your wickedness do to upset your lesser brother Saradomin and your greater brother Guthix?

Sincerely, Iffie, of the clothes shop in Varrock

I scammed the other gods out of their full rune and got reported for abuse.

Kidding.

I'm not banned from Q-pea... The other gods and myself simply have an agreement not to interfere directly with the matters of mere mortals anymore. Who has the power to ban Zamorak The Mighty? Or the courage? No-one, thats who. Thats not to say the other gods wouldn't love to ban me, because they would. Oh, they really would. But they can't. So I still get to keep all my lovely dragons and demons to do my work for me...

Mighty Zamorak, why do your monks attack whoever takes your wine? It keeps coming back on the table anyway. I run an inn. If my ale came back every time it was drunk, I would not beat my customers for it.

The Bartender of the Jolly Boar Inn

STOP STEALING MY WINE!

THATS WHY!

GAH!

Lord Saradomin,
Please forward this to the librarian. His Bestiary skips the dragons, and my customers need to know what they are walking into.

From Oziach, of his hut near Edgeville

Unfortunately that darned Librarian escaped from his little 'accident' and managed to find those scrolls of my beautiful dragons. Whats worse is that hes now made them available for everyone to see.
I think I'll have to make sure his next 'accident' isn't so easily walked away from...

I ran away from home to Varrock last week. I read the town crier's board in the square, and saw that two new wonders had come to the world the very days I was gone and could not see them. Did you do it because you are evil and wished to torture me? If so, it worked. I am going home.
A Gnome child, of the Tree Gnome Stronghold

Hmmm... bringing families back together is really more Saradomins line of work than mine you know... but Im glad I managed to cause some amount of suffering, even in a good deed.

Dear Saradomin,

At first I did not want my children going off adventuring. So I tried it myself before deciding. I had such fun that I told my husband, and now the whole family goes out together on the days the farm is quiet. They learn to manage their coin, and it is a fine reward: "May I go adventuring?" "Have you fed the chickens?" Thank you.

Time to go.

Peace, Sarah, of the farming shop south of Falador

Saradomin has been interfering again I see. All these 'happy family' letters are beginning to give me a headache... Oh I wish I had some letters full of really bad news to cheer me up again....

Miserable greetings, not-so-mighty Zamorak. I write to tell you one thing: I hate you. I hate you, and I hate your Underground Pass. I guide travellers through it for a living, and every one of them hates it too. I hate your son Iban most of all. I like your robes well enough. I know my suffering pleases you, but if we ever met, I would give you a piece of my battleaxe. No road in this world is half as cruel as yours.

I Hate You,

Koftik, guide of the Underground Pass

...and that will do nicely.

There is nothing more satisfying than a job well done... thank you for your letter, it really brought a smile to my face.
I'm glad Iban is keeping up the family traditions so well, I'll have to give him some more monsters to play with next time we speak.

I tend the gardens of Catherby, and I am worried about the Easter gifts. Are the bunny ears real? Are there little rabbits hopping about my lettuces with no ears? I have never seen a rabbit in Q-pea at all, which makes the ears all the stranger. Your faithful gardener,
Ellena, of Catherby

Oh they're real. I think you answered your own question there...
The reason there aren't any bunnies left in Q-pea is so that there were enough bunny ears to go around. As it would be cruel to let loose a bunch of mutilated animals upon the world (although I personally would have found that very funny) The council decided to eat what was left.

The last I heard they had enough Rabbit jerky to last them for 40 years.
80 as part of a balanced nutritional diet.

I have fallen for the same trick several times, so either I am a fool or it is a common one. When I say I need something, a stranger tells me he knows where to find it, and to follow him. He leads me somewhere full of beasts far stronger than me, and by the time I see I have been had, it is too late. I die, and he takes my things. The Council's list of offences says nothing about it. I think "leading to death" should be on the list.

If that were mended, my life in Lumbridge would be a good deal longer. Thank you,

Gee, of Lumbridge

I love it when people answer their own questions in the very first sentence of their question.

Think about it.

Bringer of pain and suffering,

My customers bring back gloves, boots and caskets in their big nets, and ask me where they come from. Are they relics of old wars? Or the belongings of newcomers who leaned too far over the side of the boat from Tutorial Island?

Gerrant, of Gerrant's Fishy Business, Port Sarim

According to the Council, there were not adequate funds to provide a waste disposal service for the inhabitants of Q-pea to dispose of their rubbish, with the result being that thoughtless inhabitants simply throw their rubbish into nearby rivers and streams, or off cliffs, with zero regard for the impact on the environment.

Excellent. Littering might not be up there with looting and backstabbing, but its still a cause I whole heartedly approve of.

Dear Saradomin,

My miners in the Guild grow tired so fast they barely fill a sack before they must stop. How can a miner tire less?

Sincerely,

Belona, of the Mining Guild

Go to bed. Next question!

Dear Saradomin,
I hear the holiday gifts may no longer be traded. I understand the fear of outrageous prices, but what of the folk who were away that day? They could never own one. If a seller asks a high price, the buyer can refuse. The holiday gifts were my best trade. Please take this rule away.

The Fancy dress shop owner, of east Varrock

Just one example of the hundreds who write to me complaining about non tradable and limited bunny ears. They all start their letter the same way
"What of those who were away that day?"
and they all end the same way
"I really wanted to make some easy money".

Foolish mortals... the council once thought it would be a nice present to players who were playing on holidays to give them a unique item.
This has now become an expectation that there will always be rare drops on holidays, and that these will be easy ways to make money.

They're not. They're a present. If you weren't playing, you missed out.
I am extremely pleased that the foolish Council in an effort to give people gifts and make them happy instead manages to annoy people.

It reaffirms my belief in the underlying selfishness of you all.

I was sent this picture recently of my foolish brother saradomin:

Whaddya think?

I commend the author on their skill in capturing the ugliness and self satisfied, smug, stupidity of Saradomin so well.
Excellent work.

I just have time to answer a few quick questions before I get back to spreading corruption and death:

A guard of Falador asks: "Which team do you cheer for at the games?"
Saradomin likes the Lumbridge Eagles, I prefer the Ardougne Chimeras. Guthix says hes not really into competitive sports much. Guthix is kind of boring that way.

A dwarf of Ice Mountain asks: "well where are the trolls????"
I believe most of them went to live under bridges in the far north a while back. They are a race I particularly like, so I will be doing my best to bring some back.

A Barbarian of Barbarian Village asked "what sword you have?"
To which I reply: weapons are for the weak. A True Zamorackian would rejoice in nothing less than the slaughter of his enemies with his bare fists.

A Varrock guard questions me "How many people work for the Council?""
About half, on a good day.

A gnome pilot wrote to say "Every tavern in Q-pea should sell the fizzy cocktails of the Gnome Stronghold, with the brewer's name painted on every glass"
Which amused me no end, as the Council lets no merchant paint his name across the world.
An excellently evil idea, that I fear the council would never approve of.

If however any well-known brewer would like to contact me personally with large offers of gold, I will happily have Iban open a shop in their name...

A White Knight asked "What happened to Saradomin?"
To which I respond, you should not ask too much or I will have no course left to me but to demonstrate what I did to the silly old fool personally upon you.
It would probably be fatal to a mortal. Its certainly very painful to a god...

Far far too many people ask: "Whats the deal with those Red Cards?"
to which I reply, they are given away free at the start of the Tourist Trap quest.

No, they are not worth thousands of gold... Perhaps it is the word 'free' in their description that puzzled the weaker minded players amongst you?

Until next time loyal followers,
Strength through chaos -

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god. But if you would like to converse with the dastardly one...