Letters #14 - The Return of Saradomin

The Return of Saradomin

SARADOMIN RETURNS TO PRAISE THE PURE OF HEART, AND TO HONOUR HIS FOLLOWERS WITH SOME REPLIES TO THE PRAYERS THEY HAVE SENT UNTO HIM.
ANY CONNECTION BETWEEN SARADOMINS PREVIOUS WRONG ANSWERS AND HIS RECENT PROLONGED ABSENCE IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL.

Greetings loyal followers! Many of you may have wondered why I allowed the despicable Zamorak access to your prayers to me, and to this all I can say is:
sorry about that.
The fiend stole the bag which I keep my messages in, and replaced it with a bag full of little pieces of paper saying "Get your axes from Bob's axes".
What the meaning of this is, I do not know, but apparently while I was busy wondering why nobody writes to me anymore, Zamorak has been having fun abusing my loyal believers.
I don't even want to start on what Guthix has been saying... partly because I don't understand most of it. Nature gods really aren't that good at conversational skills.

I would also like to clear up beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have not been "hiding because I was wrong about sleeping bags" as Zamorak has been telling people.
I wasn't wrong. I'm never wrong. I was just not totally right.
Anyway, now I am back in receipt of my faithfuls' pleas, let's answer some queries!

Dear great Saradomin,

Why does every tavern in your world pour only strong drink? Is water so hard to come by, or is it unclean? If it is, could the mages not boil it pure with their fire? A drink should not leave you dizzy and drunk to heal you. I grill kebabs in the desert sun all day, and I thirst and thirst for water, and can buy none. Why?

A thirsty soul,

Karim, kebab seller of Al Kharid

The truth is that the council once tried to put a sales tax on all those who purchase water from taverns, but it was very unpopular with those who felt that things that can be found just lying around (water, meat, bones, etc) should not have to be paid for.

The council resolved this by simply outlawing the sale of water throughout the lands.
On a different note, I would suggest to anyone visiting Q-pea for a holiday this year NOT try drinking the water - as many a fisherman will attest, you find all sorts in it... and a nice cold ale is far less hazardous to your health.

dear saradomin,

Are there truly cheats who mine without lifting a finger? Outside my bank I hear strangers tell newcomers: "Pay me 50k and I will show you how to mine in your sleep." Is any of it real? And why does every account in my ledger hold only one list of goods? Could it hold three? A Banker, of Draynor Village

Cheats and auto miners do walk this world, for the council allows them, and I like them no more than you do. Work earns a deeper joy than any trick can give.
The ones who sell their secret for 50k are another matter. A scam is a crime in my lands, and their 'secret' is often a trap to steal your password.
Your life will be far more complete if you work hard for your rewards, because the satisfaction gained is far greater when you have achieved something by your own dedicated effort... and I would suggest you report any of these liars to the Council before they harm a player not as slow to trust as yourself.

Wise and great Guthix, I ask humbly for every woodcutter who buys an axe from me: give us what the miners have. We had axes of many metals long before they had their pickaxes, yet we have been overlooked. You spared the miners' fingers from strain. Please, please, please do the same for woodcutting.

Your humble servant,

Bob, of Bob's Brilliant Axes, Lumbridge
(Power in balance)
P.S. I have enclosed a likeness of me that my daughter made from coloured beads.

I apologise to you noble woodcutter for the interception of your message intended for Guthix, but I was deeply impressed with the realistic sculpture which image you have included; it is in my mind a work of art, and you should tell your daughter that Saradomin is a great appreciater of fine art. Verily, the sculpture almost appears alive, so true a likeness is it to the people of Q-pea.
On the subject of woodcutting, I do not believe that such a system is needed at the present time, but I have no fear that if Guthix decides such a thing will be necessary to prevent the incompetent hacking at trees without a point, then he will probably introduce it.
Probably with some longwinded explanation about 'balance' too.

O great one Saradomin,
I love to walk your beautiful world each day, and I say so without flattery. One thing troubles me. I am no fighter, only level 14, and while I search for my lost Ernest, stronger beasts attack me, such as giant rats and scorpions. Often they kill me, and I must start my search all over again. Could two of us fight one beast together? Now one may fight while a friend casts spells, but once the friend's runes run low, the friend is little help.

I hope you consider putting my idea into action.

Thankyou for your time O mighty master,
Veronica, at the gate of Draynor Manor

Although I believe combat is wrong in all forms, and that the simplest solution would be to not get into combat at all, I also know full well that the cursed Zamorak enjoys tormenting honest workers on their travels with all manner of creatures.
I am glad to say that when the Deepening comes you will be able to be assisted by your friends in hand to hand combat, and not just assisted by rangers and mages.
Hopefully this will allow my Holy Warriors to restore peace to my lands at all costs, and finally drive the evil zamorak away for good.

Foolish Saradomin,

I has robbed lots of yor followers on the road and I wears black armour. I wud never touch yor holy simbol. I wears Zamorocks simbol. Why is Zamorocks simbol so hard to get, wen yors is in evry general store for 34 gp? Reply, foolish Saradomin!

Zamorock 4 ever,

A Mugger, of the roads outside Varrock, a loyal Zammorock follower

It saddens me to see life go to waste following the lies of Zamorak, yet it amuses me to see that even his most dedicated followers don't know how to spell his name correctly.
The reason my Holy Symbol is available everywhere, is because it's better.
I am the greatest, so more people want to show their alleigance to me, so more shops sell it because it is more popular and they will make more money from it.
Yet more proof that I am the greatest god, because I have the most followers.
It's not too late to change alleigance and glorify me with my stylish Holy Symbol you know, and you're already on the right step by getting my name right!

Almighty Saradomin, you blessed us with certificates to carry goods that will not stack. One more thing deserves a certificate of its own: the bone. Pilgrims bring me bones by the sackful to bury on the holy isle. One traveller offered me a rune two-handed sword for a heap of big bones (for self-defence only, my lord). I could not hand them all over at once, so he said he would give the sword halfway through. He kept the bones and the sword. So I ask for bone certificates, so no other monk is cheated as I was. Certificates for dragon bones, bat bones and every other bone we praise you with. I also hope prayer will grant more blessings one day. Thank you for your time, almighty Saradomin. Your loyal follower, a Monk of Entrana

One of the most ghastly and morbid suggestions I have ever heard... to take the remains of the deceased and instead of giving them peace in their death and glorifying me through their burial, instead defiling them, and using them as some form of currency.
Apart from the health risks associated with storing large quantities of unclean dead objects, I find this idea morally repugnant, and the idea that you would ask for this in order to praise me shocks me to the core.
I suggest you find new ways to revel in my glory, for I will have no part of this macabre scheme.

Almighty one, one day I strolled past the monastery, as a man in my trade does, and found many valuables lying about.
There was a gold amulet, many coins, bones, armour, swords, and even a rune pickaxe!
Will a god tell me how these treasures came to be left there, and whether they lie there still?

Your mighty follower, Straven, of the Phoenix Gang

I personally know not, but surmise it was some rich yet morally corrupt adventurer seeking to atone for his sins against me by leaving an anonymous donation with my monks.
Or possibly some unlucky zamorakian fell foul of my followers divine strength by getting too cocky, and ended up the victim to a 'harmless' monks anger.

Hello, most evil one. I paint between selling crafting supplies, and I find it unfair that Saradomin, your sworn enemy, has had his portrait made. You of all gods deserve one too. Here it is, evil one:

Until next time, Rommik, of Rommik's Crafty Supplies, Rimmington

It seems when I reclaimed this bag of letters from Zamorak, he inadvertently left a message intended for his eyes inside it.
You have captured his looks very well; and to think he tried to laugh at MY appearance!
How can anyone possibly follow THAT?

Dear oh mighty 1,

Could you change the world a little? Give every soul at least 100 coins each day. And raise my attack and defence ten levels while you are at it. I am forever yours.

From your mighty servant,
A Man, of Lumbridge

Yes. Well.
Why don't I just set everyones level to 99 and give everyone full rune while I'm at it? Then theres no need to even play the game anymore.
It takes a rare suggestion to make Holy Saradomin resort to sarcasm, you should feel honoured.

Saradomin,
I have long followed you. Again and again my treasury is robbed, and I know not how or by whom. Anger overwhelms me. I have lost many rare things, among them three party hats and twelve million coins. I change the treasury's password often, and I always remember it. I have thought of giving up the crown many times, but I chose to write to you instead. Is there any way you can help me? I do not know what to do.
Thank you

King Roald, of Varrock palace

My best advice would be to read THIS GUIDE ON PREVENTING HACKING and follow its instructions well. I would also recommend not using words written as in dictionaries as your password, but instead replacing a few letters with numbers.
Combining both of these pieces of advice should ensure your treasury stays secure.

I have spoken at some length now, so I should be getting back to my daily duties, but I have just enough time to answer a few quick queries I have received:

Reldo, of the Library of Varrock, asks:"An old scroll names a lesser known god, Zaros. Could we speak with him?"
To which I say: Speak not of Zaros. Mention not his name, nor discuss him. Some things are better left unknown.

"The bones of monks should please you more than common bones." - A Highwayman, of the road near Rimmington
I think killing my followers would make me favour you less, not more.

"The Round Table grows restless. The world needs at least one new quest." - Sir Lancelot, of Camelot
So do I. Oh look, one just got released. How lucky.

"When is the next Halloween, and are there any other days when you give out free things?" - Shilop, a child of Varrock
Halloween is usually at the end of October, and along with Easter and Christmas sometimes gives players presents from the Council.
You shouldn't necessarily expect to receive any gifts however. the council are frequently absent minded.

A Goblin, lost somewhere east of Falador, says: "I need a map of some kind that shows me where I am in the world."
Perhaps THIS PAGE will be of interest to you?

Grandpa Jack, of Hemenster, complains "I hate this new fatigue. Just walking and picking things up tires me out."
I think you should see an apothecary as soon as possible for you apparently have a medical condition that no-one else has.
And stay away from me, I'm a busy deity and can't afford to be slowed down with mystery illnesses.

"I have been trying to find a place where I can get your holy symbol blessed" - A Paladin, of Ardougne
I suggest you go and speak to Brother Jered at the monastery, he is always keen on assisting those wishing to spread my glories across the land by wearing my symbol.

Wizard Frumscone, of the Wizards' Guild, asks "Is it true that the world is to gain a new depth?"
Yes, yes it is. I suggest you read the updates in the Library a little more regularly...

"The guild hoped you would let crafters strike gold coins from gold bars." - The Master crafter, of the Crafting Guild
Forgery is a serious crime, and only those coins minted by the respective Fief are legal tender. If forgery were not a serious crime here on Q-pea the economy would surely have been destroyed by a certain spell known as high level alchemy by now...

And so I must leave you once more my friends. Live true, live honest, live well.

Strength through wisdom,

Saradomin

DISCLAIMER: The views of Saradomin do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU tried to stop him saying anything controversial, but he is a god. If you would like to contact him however...