Letters #15 - Zamorak speaks his mind once more

Zamorak speaks his mind once more

ZAMORAK, LORD OF EVIL, AND MASTER OF SARCASM, RETURNS TO ANSWER SOME LETTERS SENT TO HIM.
OR NOT ANSWER AS THE CASE MAY IN FACT BE.
ISSUES OF INTEREST THIS MONTH INCLUDE: ZAMORAKS POPULARITY WITH THE LADIES, HIS OPINION ON PIE, AND A HITHERTO UNKNOWN PURPLE MONSTER SOMEWHERE IN THE WILDERNESS...

Hello once again loyal Zamorakians!
I know how dull these letters pages have been getting recently, what with Guthix's bizarre rantings and whinings, and Saradomins self-righteous complaining, but once more I return, to spread a little cheer, and a lot of fear, to those who seek my advice, and some who don't!

As tales of a powerful force reshaping the land grow stronger with each passing week, more and more of you Q-pea inhabitants begin to turn to the only god you can rely on to stand up to a challenge with a sword, not words... So let's see what issues have been burdening the minds of the general populace this month...

dear really evil dude,
Every day the travellers come down into my dungeon, knock me apart and bury my bones in the dirt outside. I put myself back together each time. Why do they bury bones? Does it help them?

Yours, rattling,
A Skeleton, of the Edgeville dungeon

Saradomin deals with prayers, so when you give dead creatures / people an honourable burial in his name it makes him pay closer attention to you, and help you out in little ways that Guthix won't notice.

Personally, I think when you kill something you should just take its bones and trade them for something decent. Like a sword, which will help you get MORE bones.

Or just, you know, drop them in mud and pour bad wine over them or something. Just to annoy Saradomin.

Saradomin is very amusing when annoyed. It heartens me no end.

1) Do you like to kill newcomers for sport?
2) Is it fun to watch big-headed heroes die in the Wilderness?
3) Do you like pie?
4) Which brother is your favourite?
5) Are you paid for being evil and cruel? I am not, and I live in a dungeon.

Please answer all five.

Always loving the pain and suffering you bring to others,

A Hobgoblin, of the Edgeville dungeon

1) Yep!
2) Yep!
3) Yep - but not as much as Thurgo does! That dwarf really loves pies!
4) Sometimes I can kind of tolerate Guthix when he's in a bad mood and killing stuff.
He's less annoying than that old fool Saradomin that's for sure. I still wouldn't say he's exactly my 'favorite' though.
5) Nope! And even if I DID, I'd do it for free anyway. It's my idea of fun!

WHO IN THE NINE HELLS DRAWS THE PICTURES FOR YOUR LETTERS? I am a sorcerer of some skill, and I cannot work out the magic behind them. They show the strangest subjects. Surely drawing them by hand would bore even Guthix the Lame. Pardon my tone, but I MUST know.
Thormac the Sorcerer, of his tower south of Seers' Village

I have a talented yet alcoholic lesser demon who does most of it for me.
He'll draw me anything I tell him for a bottle of Draynor Malt - you'll find most artists are the same.

Do you support scammers? I am no scammer, of course. I am the opposite. I lead a band of market guards called the hunters, and we catch scammers and hand them to the Council. On a good week we catch twenty. I know you are evil, but how can you support them? They are the lowest of the low. And if a scammer reads this, mark my words: waiting to be caught is worse than being caught.
the lead hunter,
A Market guard, of Varrock square

Pffffft... 'Scammers'.....
I don't like 'scammers' because they're whiney little liars who are too sissy to go out and kill stuff to get rich like a *TRUE* Zamorakian would do.
Lure them out to a nice little spot in the wilderness and show them the business end of your favorite weaponry (A lot of fun) or (as useless as the Council are) handing them to the Council is a good option too.

People like that give evil a bad name, you know!

Dear Zamorak:
I am a teller of tales, and I have had a long time to think of them, lying under the graveyard. A few tell of hope and glory, but most tell of death and ruin. May I give my tales to the librarian? I want to frighten whoever picks one up, and make them afraid of the dark again, as they were as children.

Respectively Yours,

The Restless ghost, of the Lumbridge graveyard

Writing stuff sounds a bit too sissy to me... are you sure you're not a Saradominist trying to trick me?
Then again, putting the fear of Zamorak into little children does sound quite tempting...

I guess I can lay off torturing Reldo with little 'accidents' for a bit if you have any PARTICULARLY spooky stuff to honour me with. I believe you can however

But I'm not sure when he will next update his library. He tends to have a lot of 'unfortunate accidents' happen to him, particularly when I'm rather bored...

Dear Zamorak,
My drinking friends say there is a demon in the Wilderness who does not attack those who walk past him, and gives them 100k instead. Is it true? Please answer me, great Zamorak. My friends have bet on it.

Yours untruly, Jonny the beard, of the Blue Moon Inn, Varrock

...oh yeah. That sounds real likely doesn't it?
It's the magical mauve money-dropping monster!
You can find him right in the middle of the wilderness, but you can only find it if you're carrying lots of stuff worth pking for... uh, I mean lots of stuff to 'attract it'.
Yeah... attract it... that's right. Would I lie to you?

Dear Zamorak

Thank you for the sleeping bags and the new pickaxes. My shop has never sold so many, and the strong miners tire less. I have a few questions, though.
Will we ever make armour of silver or gold?
Will you ever let the travellers buy houses?
Will they ever farm their own patches?
Will you make horses for the world?
Thanks for your time
Remember, chaos is good for business.
Nurmof, of the pickaxe shop in the Dwarven Mine

1) maybe
2) maybe
3) maybe
4) maybe

Hope that cleared that up for you.

DEAR ZAMORAK,
I HAVE BEGGED OUTSIDE THE WEST BANK FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD SPARE SOME MONEY THANKS

A BEGGAR, OF THE VARROCK WEST BANK

PS ASGARNIA IS BETTER THAN MISTHALIN

...Yeah, you and that other guy should both go looking for the money dropping monster in the wilderness together.
Don't forget: bring lots of stuff with you!

Oh, and for future reference? A letter does not need to shout. The ink costs the same either way.

Lord, in the Wilderness a traveller should not be allowed to run from a fight he is losing. I attacked one in full rune and was beating him badly. Then he ran like a coward, and since all travellers run at the same speed, I could not catch him, and I lost a fine haul. He mocked me from beyond the Wilderness. You are the god of evil. Change this. A Black Knight, of the Black Knights' Fortress

Yeah, sissy cowards who run away from a fight REALLY annoy me... (you just KNOW they're Saradominists, even if they say they're not...) so if I have my way I'm going to try and sneak in a little surprise for people who try and run from a fight while loaded up with loot into Guthixs' little world update.

If he doesn't notice me trying to sneak it in anyway...

Zamorak. Me need rune two-hander. Me bless you, god Zamorak. Please. Me need your help.

A Barbarian, of Barbarian Village

Whats up with this? Why do people think I care about them enough to give them stuff?
Go with those other guys looking for that monster. Take plenty of stuff.
I GUARANTEE even if you don't find the monster someone will give you a Rune 2 hander. Blade first. You'll get a free teleport to Lumbridge too.

Dear Zamorak, the sheep graze by my mill all day, and the travellers only ever shear them or try to hit them. Why can no one hug a sheep? Who would not want to? Even you, evil as you are, would love it. They are so soft and fluffy. Hugging a sheep should please the gods and raise a traveller's prayer. Please let us hug the sheep. Millie Miller, of the mill north of Lumbridge

I feel physically ill.
I really hate sheep.
I don't know whether its their stupid fluffy white bodies, their ugly stupid faces, the annoying idiotic noises they make as you walk near them, or Guthix's unhealthy love for them.
I REALLY HATE sheep.

Mighty Zamorak, I hear much talk of thieves who keep stealing your wine. As one of your most loyal monks, I have vowed to kill every one of them. But I was sent here from far away, and I cannot find the temple where the wine stands. It is not on my map. Please tell me where it is, and whether the road is safe for a monk. Thank you, mighty one.

A Monk of Zamorak, newly arrived

Yeah, what do you take me for? Do you think I was born last century? I'm not telling you where to steal my wine from.
I'M SICK OF PEOPLE STEALING MY WINE!

Dear Zamorak,

Father. The travellers in my Pass keep asking me who my mother is. I have never known. Who is your wife?

Iban, of the Underground Pass

I'm not married.
If you're asking who his mother is, I can't remember.
The ladies love Zamorak, and its kind of hard to keep track of them all sometimes.

Oh, Zamorak. I just love how you wreak havoc. It's so... evil. I could ramble on about dastardly deeds all night by the campfire, but I bring you the big question...
Zamorak, will you marry me?

Your future lover,
Lady Keli, of the bandit camp near Draynor

see what I mean?

Hello Zamorak. I appear to many travellers, and I hear many things. I just want you to know that Zaros has risen from deep under the earth to destroy you...

...That is all. A warning. The Mysterious Old Man

Za-zaros?

...Ok, thats not funny. Don't. Just don't. I'm not scared of anyone ok? Zaros is gone.
So don't lie to me ok? He's gone, and I'm not scared of him even if he isn't.

HE'S DEAD.

Not scared. Not even worried. At all. DEFINITELY not. Seriously. Anyone who says I got lucky last time is just a dirty liar.
Hah, you're just playing a trick on old Zamorak right? Right? Because I'm not scared at all.
So don't try and scare me like that, because it WON'T work.
I'm totally not scared.

Dear really evil god thingy,

One question for my shop's records: boxers or briefs?

From Thessalia, of Thessalia's Fine Clothes, Varrock

one answer: commando.

Hello, nutbrain Zamorak. It is my pleasure to beat your weakling monks and steal your wine. I have thirty jugs of it now, and NONE OF THEM ARE ANY USE. And I know a band of squires who TOTALLY hate you. Guess who leads it? ME. SANDROMIN RULES. SANDROMIN RULES. ZAMORAK STINKS. ZAMORAK STINKS. If you own the zombies, skeletons, giants and hobgoblins in the dungeons, I love killing them. If you do not, I still love killing them. I love only two things more: beating your monks and stealing your wine. SANDROMIN RULES. PS. I definitely hate you. The Squire of the White Knights, Falador

I'm sure 'Sandromin' (whoever they are) will be thrilled to hear they have a new groupie.

Seriously, whats up with all of you obsessing about my wine?

Great Zamorak, I am trying to buy a blooming santa hat for Juliet, but the traders ask 100k. The price list on the notice board in the square says 25k. Which is it? Please answer, my love depends on it.

Romeo, of Varrock square

They're worth whatever people are foolish enough to pay for them.
Silly coloured cloth hat vs large nearly unstoppable killing blade with which to smite your enemies - I mean, come on, which do you *REALLY* want to carry around with you?

What are you gonna do when you're in a fight?
Shout 'Ho-Ho-Ho' and hope they run away?
Blind them with the horrible colour of the thing on your head?

And so my time draws near, and once more I must grab my trusty bloodied axe and bring more foul creatures to this world to torment the Saradominists and Guthixians with... and of course I always need time to do a little experimenting to see if yet more creatures hitherto unseen can be safely brought to Q-pea... so until next we speak loyal subjects

Strength through chaos -

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god. But if you would like to communicate with the dastardly one...