Letters #22 - Zamorak Deconstructs

Zamorak Deconstructs

ZAMORAK, CRUEL AND UNUSUAL DEITY OF CHAOS, RETURNS FROM HIS USUAL COMBAT TRAINING TO IMPOSE HIS BELIEFS UPON HIS FOLLOWERS ONCE MORE.
AS WELL AS THE USUAL DISPLAYS OF ARROGANCE AND SARCASM, TOPICS OF INTEREST IN THIS EDITION OF THE LETTERS PAGE INCLUDE DEMONS, AND VAMPIRES AND MAGIC, OH MY!

Greetings, loyal subjects!
It seems like an age since last I shared my tactical prowess with you! Well, recently I have been very busy laying various plans around the land - sadly none have yet come to fruition due to the interference of meddlesome Saradominists, but I have high hopes for some of my upcoming schemes!
I don't want to give too much away right now, because only a fool reveals his plans in plain sight of his enemies, but rest assured loyal Zamorakians, soon we shall strike, and the world will forever remember our power!
In the meantime, while we're sat around waiting for things to kick off, why don't we have a little look at what the messenger has brought me this time...

To Zamorok

I have found your secret. I know why you rage when folk take your wine. It is no wine at all, but BLOOD, from those who chose your path. You draw power from this blood, and so no Gielinorian can drink it. But with the power drawn out, it is no longer thick as blood should be. It is watery, like wine. So the people think it MUST be wine. But 'tis not!
...
Now I'm going in circles...

One who follows the circle of Balance,
Kaqemeex, of the druids' circle in Taverley

Herblorists! Don't drink potions recklessly, it can affect your mental health!
Do not exceed stated doses, and always use fresh ingredients!

I am one of your biggest fans. I really like your lesser demons and greater demons. Could you make a big portrait of a lesser demon and a greater demon destroying things? I would hang it in the stone circle.

Yours and your demons' fan, a Dark wizard, of the stone circle south of Varrock

It's always good to hear from a fan of my work - most people are usually to busy running away going 'Eeek! A demon!' to really notice their own special kind of beauty.
I had my most talented lesser quickly knock up the following just for you - I hope you like it, it cost me a whole bottle of Draynor Malt.

Oh Great Zamorak

A customer told me a disturbing rumour: an army of tiny squirrels from the stars will soon invade Q-pea. They will knock down every building and bite the bankers until they hand over all our valuables. I have spent many years building my great collection of beads, and I would hate to see it taken by evil star squirrels bent on wrongdoing. Is this true? Or is it another tale the mighty Mage Andrew tells to frighten the children?

P.S. What is your favourite kind of potato? Wydin, of Wydin's Food Store, Port Sarim

Sadly yet another Guthixian takes their experimentation with herblore too far...
Irit leaves are very potent, and should always be taken in diluted quantities with an appropriate reagent.
Just say no, followers. Just say no. A warrior needs a clear mind going into combat, they don't need to be drunk upon super strength potions...

Dear Zamorak my beloved god,
I know your unkind (yet so dang awesome) ways with travellers in the Wilderness. I have one question: why the evil ways? I adore them, but why evil instead of good, or Guthix's balance? Is it more fun to hang folk over the camp's toasting fire? Or do you do it for the gold? (You kill people every day, so you must make 50k a day at least.)

Your trusty helper in killing,
A Bandit, of the Bandit Camp

Pah, don't colour me with your own small minded morality.
I am 'evil' because that's what the weak always call the strong who subdue them.
It's not just fun to crush my enemies with my power, and then torture them as an example for others who would dare resist me; I am teaching you all a valuable lesson about how the way the world works here!
You should all say 'thank you Zamorak' as I crush your bones and burn down your houses! And then come back begging for more of my wonderful lessons!
Muhahahaha

Who do you think you are? Saradominists have lived in peace and prosperity for ages.
Who are you to fool others that you are the "Higher Power"? You are no god. You are
a curse. Luring others into your cult is... preposterous. Why would you kill innocent farmhands to feed your sick passion?

I curse you!
We White Knights will rejoice on the day you ARE overthrown!

A White Knight, of Falador

Hmmmm? And how are those Saradominists going to overthrow me? Sing at me? Clap their hands and throw their money at me? Maybe hold some kind of sale with cakes and crafts to raise money to sign a petition to ask me to please play nice?
I've been on a farm. I know what those farmhands get up to when no-ones around. They don't like strangers on their lands, those farm folk, do they? Like to stick to their own, hmmm?
If you ask me they're better off dead, all of them.
Who eats potatos and cabbage when you can eat freshly killed meat still raw with blood? A sissy, that's who!

Was it you who burned the hole in the wall of the Council's hall?
If so, why did you do it? A Guard, of the Varrock palace

It was in my way. Plus it was kind of fun.
Actually, that's a pretty good answer for most of my actions.

I might burn some more walls in the future just to remind myself of the experience. Anything that spooks the Mage Andrew is always a good source of entertainment.

Dear almighty and powerful Zamorak,
Where did you come from? What race are you? You look cool, and my customers want to look like that. I am thinking of sewing Halloween costumes of you this year.

From your soon-to-be friend,
The Fancy dress shop owner, of east Varrock

P.S. May I call you Zammy, for short? It would sell better on a label.

Hmmm... your disrespect and impertinence almost requires me to kill you... but I will let it pass this time, as you might not know about me yet.

The name is Zamorak.

I am not your friend, and my name should be spoken with the fear and reverence it deserves, not shortened so that it sounds like the name of some beloved pet.
To answer your other question, I am originally of the noble race of the Mahjarrat, devourers of Freneskae.
You don't have much of a chance of looking like us, and your attitude suggests you don't have much chance of acting like us either.
Toughen up, kid - if you want to impress me, you need to do it in the glory of the battlefield...

O' evil one...

I am one of your greatest enemies... you just don't know it yet!
Soon... very soon... you will hear the cries of YOUR followers falling like cows in a slaughterhouse. I hunt the Wilderness, yes, but I kill in the name of Saradomin (though he might not agree). You say you can smite mortals with your bare fists? I beg to differ. I dare your unroyal lowness to come at me with all you have. Also, I have some questions:

1) Is Guthix really a floating metal ball? (If so, I have lost respect for him.)
2) Why are there no goddesses?
3) Were you born this evil? (Babies are pure.)
4) Is there going to be a weapon that surpasses Dragon Battle Axe?
5) Do you have any friends? (If not, I wonder why...)
6) Do you have a special weapon meant for me? (For when I challenge you.)

Though I regret to say it, thanks for your time. (See? I am polite to my enemies.)

A knight of the Round Table,

Sir Lancelot, of Camelot

Seems like some of you Saradominists are getting pretty cocky recently... Although I have to hand it to you, you certainly show more bravado than the usual sissy Saradominists do... and hanging out in the Wilderness? I might make a convert of you yet...
I'll answer your questions, but if I were you I would be wary about entering the wilderness in the future.

1) At the moment he's a big floating metal skull, but I've also seen him as a small multicoloured butterfly and as a large rock type thingy. He's a weird one...

2) Hey, there are, I just don't take much interest in them as they seem to be immune to my 'charms'.
I guess if it will make you happy I'll go hit on them again, maybe bother finding out their names or something this time...

3) Well, that's one way you could look at it.
The other is that at my birth the doctor lost a finger and the midwife screamed in her every sleepless night until the end of her life...

4) I am always interested in weaponry, and as much fun as a long, drawn out, and bloody battle might be, there is always a need for a decisive and sudden display of power.
I'll have some of my Chaos Dwarfs look into experimenting with some stuff, and get back to you on that.

5) Friends are a weakness, all you can rely on is yourself. I share my combat experience with nobody!
Followers are better than friends anyway, and minions are the best of all!

6) Ha! If you ever had the combat prowess necessary to attack me, I would still need nothing more than my own two hands to crush you like the Saradominist bug you are. I probably don't even need both hands to do it.
Heck, I could probably beat you with a well aimed sneeze.

The old world was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Hours upon hours of simple, honest fighting. It was so good until you ruined it with your stupid, complicated Deepening. The Wilderness after the Deepening is trash. Many fighters on one foe, the dumbest idea ever. Archers in a brawl, what the heck? No magic in a brawl? My war bands are ruined forever. So are the pure fighters and the prayer beasts (who, by the way, kick butt). Do you know how many warriors will hang up their axes because of your dumb Deepening? Whatever you say, the old world is the only real Q-pea. Drunken Saradomin, drunken Guthix, drunken Zamorak, drunken Andrew...

P.S. Gunthor the Brave, chieftain of Barbarian Village. Arrest me, I don't care. Hound me, I could care less. I am starting a petition. YOU RUINED IT.

I see not why a warrior would object to the assistance of their brethren in battle... assuming they have any friends who would stand by them in a fight of course.
As to your bizarre claims that rangers and mages cannot use their skills in the midst of battle, it is true that there are some lazy and greedy Saradominist mages who only superheat or high alch items, and teleport around the lands at will, but most mages are worthy of respect, and fearsome in combat to the unprepared.
As for your other wild boasts, it has always been my experience that only the puny and the sissy blame their failings as a warrior on anything other than their own incompetence!

It certainly seems as though one of us is 'drunkin' - I suggest you resist training herblore for a little while...

Dear the evilest evilness,
How did my map of the Wilderness get drawn?
Once, you told me the Council's map makers all died
in the Wilderness. But now the newcomers' guide in the square
has a page, and lo and behold: the map of the Wilderness, revealed. The blank on my tavern wall is filled at last.

From Jonny the beard, of the Blue Moon Inn, Varrock

Sadly the pathetic council seem to have made a more concerted effort to have mapped my kingdom recently, and sent their cartographers under escort with a number of Paladins and Heroes, barracked from Ardougne.

I hold the PKers who failed to kill them in their mission in contempt.
Come on guys! You know the drill by now! Anything living that enters my kingdom of the wilderness ends up as a heap of bones and a pile of loot! You so-called 'PKers' are showing me up here!

Why is the armour that stands for your evil, which
should obviously be the greatest ever, is one of the
weaker armours in the world? I mean, it looks awesome,
but it is not nearly as good as the next best,
mithril, and NOWHERE NEAR as good as adamant. I was just
wondering your thoughts on this. (Our whole fortress wears black.)

Your loyal servant
A Black Knight, of the Black Knights' Fortress

The armour that bears my name is as strong as Rune, and trimmed with the stains of my enemies blood.
Black armour is weak because its designed to be stylish not functional.

I approve of the wearing of both of them, because I value a warrior choosing to wear lesser armour in favour of their own stylish appearance just as highly as I value a warrior picking the best armour they have available to them.

To the great god of chaos and evil:

Why do you answer these pitiful humans? All they ask are meaningless questions. Why answer them at all, if you are the god of chaos and evil?
Why not torment them by ignoring them, and spend more time in the Wilderness spreading evil? I would hold the gate for you.

your most trusted follower:

The Mage of Zamorak, at the edge of the Wilderness

I frequently lie when answering questions. Misinformation is a powerful tool, just as independent thought in my subjects should be rewarded.
Think what I am really saying as I say it, and you will find yourself a stronger warrior for it.

I will of course crush any rebellion against my word in my followers ruthlessly. Independence is all well and good up to a point, but cross me or defy me and be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Dear evil one,

what is youre guide to becoming a evil mage? my teachers at the tower wont tell me

youre great follower, an apprentice of the Wizards' Tower

Evil mage huh? Well, I have a couple of tips you might find useful...
1) Learn Magic
2) Kill stuff
Hows about that, then?

HI U DEFUNGLED PIECE OF MUCK
I HATE UUUUUU. MY BUSINESS IS RUINED. U MOVED THE SAPPHIRE HOUSE AND THE SPIDERS THERE NEARLY KILLED ME AND NOW MY CUSTOMERS CANT GET GEMS AND I CANT SELL THEM MOULDS AND IIII HAAAATE UUUUUUUU. ANYWAY IVE SWITCHED GODS NOW AND IM GONNA KILL AS MANY OF UR FOLLOWERS AS I CAN. THEN IM GONNA GET A NEW LAW THAT SEZ THE OTHER GODS CAN USE THEIR POWERS ON U AND U WILL BE CAST INTO OBLIVION. AND I STILL HATE U.

UR HATER, ROMMIK, OF ROMMIK'S CRAFTY SUPPLIES, RIMMINGTON

PS IM WIV SARADONIM NOW (spelt correctly)
PPS I STILL HATE U

After some recent setbacks in my schemes to crush those snooty followers of Saradomin in Misthalin once and for all, I was feeling a little blue.
Hey, don't take it as a sign of weakness, we all have 'down' days every once in a while, it's perfectly natural. You'll be glad to hear that your letter cheered me up no end! Thanks for the compliments!
And a reminder: small letters cost the same ink as big ones...

PS. - Why don't you ask 'Saradonim' what he's going to do about it?

Your Evilness,
I have grown curious of late. You have many thousands of followers across Q-pea, my gang among them. When your goals of death and destruction are done, and all your enemies are less than ashes, what rewards will your followers receive?

Katrine, of the Black Arm Gang, Varrock

Why, they will get to compete against each other for the title of mightiest warrior amongst themselves of course!

The winner of that will then have the unique opportunity to challenge me themself personally, and of course then have the honour of dying at my hands!
What more can a follower of mine ask for?

O evil one,

I have two things to say, my lord.
1. In the palace of Varrock they keep one of our brothers prisoner. How dare they chain a servant of darkness? They have no right.

2. I have studied magic, hoping to reach level 60 and cast the Flames of Zamorak, but so far I have only reached level 31. If it is not too much to ask, have you any tips for raising my magic?

your humble servant,

A Monk of Zamorak, of the chapel south of Varrock

1) He failed in his tasks, and was left alive to be taken captive by my enemies. He deserves the punishment he has received.

2) Tips on raising magic eh? Well, I have a couple...
a) learn magic
b) kill st... you know, I have the strangest feeling of déja vu...

Unholy Zamorak,

I am an armourer by trade, but in my spare time I practise the magical arts. One day I was looking over the spells I long to unleash on some unsuspecting newcomer in your beautiful Wilderness, and I saw I could cast your flames. The only problem is that I need the staff, and I cannot find it anywhere. I do not ask you to give it to me. I ask your help to find it, for I would rather earn the honour than have it handed to me. Once I find it, I will gladly slay many Guthixians, and even more Saradominists, to honour even your thought of helping me. Horvik, of Horvik's Armour Shop, Varrock

Like most of my favourite activities, you will find the answer you seek in the deep wilderness...
North of the lava maze and Red Dragon isle you will find the fabled Mage Arena, run by Kolodion, perhaps my favourite Mage.
Should he find your skills to be powerful enough, he will permit you to talk to him, and should he find you worthy as a spellcaster he will then teach you this powerful magic that makes warriors tremble in fear. Plus you can get a snazzy looking cape to go with your new staff!

Oh great and almighty Zamorak, I have but one question. Why is there still no necromancy in the land? Summoning ghosts, zombies and skeletons would make my nights in the manor much more interesting. Count Draynor, of Draynor Manor

Trying to steal my tricks are we? You're not worthy enough for that kind of power, and I'm not going to share it with any of you.
Maybe in the future when I can trust you not to mess things up and provide evidence of my breach of the treaty, but right now? No way.
What's wrong with you anyway? Can't you deal with your own enemies yourself, or do you have to delegate?

Oh dear dark lord,
I have one more sensible question, to add to my last ones if you will. I have searched Q-pea far and wide, lover of death, decay and senseless murder that I am, and I have yet to find any vampires (apart from that weakling Draynor). Vampires would be a great addition to the land. They could spread your evil desires everywhere and save you much work. I figured that you, of all three gods, could do this...

Your faithful, deluded, demented and many other things that start with "de" servant, a Chaos druid, of the dungeon beneath Taverley

Well, the vampires have mostly been contained in Morytania unfortunately, but don't worry, I am still doing my best to break the barrier that keeps them out so that they might spread their fear across the lands once more!
Why, I was discussing strategems with Lord Drakan only last night, and let me tell you; he has some really good (and bloodthirsty - literally!) ideas he was happy to share with me on this very subject!

Dear Zamorak,
Could you stop tormenting Reldo long enough for him to update the Bestiary? Many of its levels are from the old world, and my customers walk into the wrong caves. Oziach, of his hut near Edgeville

Well... possibly.
you are asking me to both give up the fun of torturing the worlds' biggest bookworm, AND let people have an accurate idea of their strength of the creatures I send to smite them...?
I'll have to consider it. I think he has let Saradomin have far too much glory in his pathetic little library so far though, he is going to have to rethink his editorial policies to reflect my power more if he wants to survive until winter.

Well, a surprisingly helpful edition of the letters from me this time. Ah, I don't really mind, I'm not so busy at the moment that I can't share some insights with my followers while I await my inevitable return to glory throughout the lands.
I see a number of new recruits to my armies have recently entered this land, so I will issue this small reminder that those who think they are battle worthy enough, and offer the due respect, can request a small amount of my cunning by writing to my address given below - but if you have problems with your account or technical issues don't bother me with them!
There are a crack team of gnomes that call themselves Customer Support whose sole joy in life is talking to players, and who are just dying to help you with your password support and technical issues, so speak to them, and make a gnome happy!
It's not like much else in life does...

Until next time we meet brave warriors, I leave you with my familiar motto;

Strength through chaos -

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god. But if you would like to communicate with the dastardly one...