Letters #23 - Zamorak Considers Some Issues

Zamorak Considers Some Issues

ZAMORAK, Q-PEA'S EVER PRESENT DEITY OF ANGER, CHAOS, VIOLENCE AND SARCASM, RETURNS YET AGAIN TO INSULT THE PEOPLE WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE TO HIM.
IT'S JUST HIS WAY.
TOPICS OF PARTICULAR INTEREST IN THIS EXTRA BONUS SIZED EDITION OF THE LETTERS INCLUDE: SNAKE BONES, HAIR COLOURS, BATTLE POEMS AND THE IMPORTANCE OF GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Welcome back, loyal subjects, to my own special little corner of the Library of Varrock!
That's right! The entertaining part! I know I shared my endless humour and wit with you very recently, but it seems some of you still just don't get it - it being that I am the best, and you are all barely worthy to clean my feet with your tongues!
Thus it is that I have taken yet more time out from my hectic schedule to reiterate the following three important points:
1) Zamorak is great
2) Saradomin and Guthix are sissy cowards who would rather cook sardines than get in a real fight and show off their power
3) See point 1.

So making sure you all bear that in mind, let's take a little look at what the messengers have brought me this time...

My lord Zamorak,
1. Why do your snakes by the Karamja docks have bones?

2. What is the fire I see every time I wake? Runes dance in it at random... Is it the flames of Zamorak?

Luthas, of the banana plantation, Karamja

1) To keep their skin stretched out nice and tight.

2) The flames of Lloigh-enn are an often rumoured, almost mythical, barrier between various dimensions, that require a spell recited most precisely, that is different for each individual who wishes to pass through.

I am surprised a mere mortal has heard of them, let alone encountered them in person;
I had thought them long since extinguished... You have my gratitude adventurer, it is not often the curiousity of Zamorak is excited.
I will have to look into this, it could be very useful in my plans...

Dear gods of Q-pea

Since the Deepening, music fills the land, and even my inn is no longer silent. I like it very much. I especially like the tune of the sad meadow.

I would like to ask you two questions:

1. Who composes the music of the land?

2. Will it ever be possible to catch the music in a bottle and pour it out in my inn?

Thank you for your answer,

The Bartender of the Blue Moon Inn, Varrock

Yes, it is my experience that an army always works harder in their battles with a little heartening battle music, as well as being able to synchonise attacks to a consistent drum beat.
As I understand it, Guthix has some kind of nixie with musical prowess scattering the music of the gods across the lands; if you want to know exactly why Guthix has done this, the truth is I have no idea, but it's one of his little changes I have no problem with, even if the music isn't necessarily my kind of 'thing'.

As for your second question, I'm not exactly sure what you are asking me... you want to bottle music, like a message from the ocean...?
Or is this some kind of elvish bard's trick I am unaware of...?

In letters 11 you said the cartographers sent to map the Wilderness were... disposed of... by your followers (your human followers too?). How do you feel now that they seem to have succeeded at last? Did they sneak past while your followers slept, buy them off, buy YOU off (though what a god would want with money, I cannot say), or what? Do you know what happened? If I knew how they passed all the dangers, my knights could too. Please answer.

A curious knight,

Sir Amik Varze, of the White Knights' castle, Falador

The ineptitude of my followers to allow this to happen is well known to me.
I shall have to take measures to prevent such a thing occurring again in the future.
Possibly with the aid of some kind of permanent fortification that my legions can use to prevent any access deep into my lands by the puny Saradominists.

Hmmm... some kind of permanently constructed castle in the Wilderness to house my warriors seems like a good idea to me... I think I will go round up a few chaos dwarfs to begin construction on it for me... I will of course have to make sure that it will be equipped with various weaponry and defensive items to prevent it falling into the wrong (Saradominist) hands too...

Rest assured, I am aware that some people consider the wilderness to be nothing more than a mild annoyance, other than the place to strike fear into all but the bravest hearts, and am playing with a few ideas to bring back the terror that amuses me so often.

Dear Great, Mighty, Unholy ect. ect. Zamorak,

Why can a traveller never change the hair and clothes they woke up with? For one thing, it is disturbing that they wear the same clothes through all their killing (fun) and mining. My cats will not go near them. And what if they wake one morning and hate the colour blue, after dressing all in blue the day before? Could you not use your awesome unholy powers to conjure some kind of clothes shop?

Hatefully yours,
Gertrude, of west Varrock

Watch, mortal, as I use my phenomenal cosmic powers to warp the fabric of space and time, creating exactly the kind of shop you speak of, and marvel as I do so with such powerful magic, that it is not only there now, it is as if it has always been there!

Or just go to the clothes shop in Varrock. Sheesh.

you are the second strongest of the god Gunthix is the strongest. a Goblin, of Goblin Village

If by 'strongest' you mean 'incomprehensible' and 'terminally dull', then yes, yes I agree.
Guthix is all about the incomprehensibility and the dullness.

Just who in the Wilderness is Gunthix anyway?

Oh dark god of evilness and stuff, I have some questions.
1. Why do your followers guard your wine? I love STEALING it. It is pretty easy to steal. If you want people to stop STEALING YOUR WINE, you should get more guards for your very unguarded wine, in all its unguardedness. Thanks, I am going to go STEAL YOUR WINE again.
2. Is Iban really your son? Or is he some lunatic that thinks he is your son?
3. Why do the travellers who die wake in Lumbridge? Why not Varrock, or a pit of greater demons?
4. What is this "fourth chapter of the plague of Ardougne" the town crier talks of? And who is the villain of it?
5. What is your favorite food?
6. What is your favorite weapon?
7. Why do you have horns?
8. Why do you look so ugly?!!?!

Well, that's the end of my annoying questions,
Straven, of the Phoenix Gang (Zamorak WINE STEALER)

1) I honestly don't know why people obsess about my wine so much. Do I go stealing beer from all of your bank boxes?

Hmm... actually, that's not a bad idea... it would certainly cost me less when paying my lessers to produce the artwork for these letters pages...

2) Either. Both. Does it really matter where the blood came from, as long as it is still mine in thought and deed?

3) Lumbridge is one of the portals of this realm that are most easily accessed.

When your deity of choice spares your life and intercepts your passing to a different plane, it's usually just easiest to attach you to one of the many teleport spells that carry passengers from Tutorial Island to Lumbridge castle, rather than starting again from scratch with a fresh spell of our own.

Believe it or not, there's a fair bit of work involved being Q-pea's resident deity of destruction, and I don't have the time to invest in letting careless PKers carry on where they left off.
Besides, the walk of shame from lumbridge back to varrock teaches them a lesson about being more cunning in future.

4) The tale of regicide, you mean? I wouldn't want to help you in any way, so I will simply tell you this: a king will die in a most spectacularly brutal fashion, something I wholeheartedly approve of!

5) Saradominists.

6) My trusted Bloodied Axe has been at my side since first I learnt the glory of battle and the endless amusement offered by the slaughter of my foes.

Plus it looks totally awesome embedded in someones head.

7) Don't knock them until you've tried them; it's always funny when someone tries to get in a sneak hit with a warhammer, only to have it bounce off my horns and back in their face, leaving them only a stunned expression and a number of missing teeth.

8) It's always been my experience that pretty boys don't last long on the battlefield... spend more time worrying about the fight, and less about your looks if I were you.

My liege, I have toiled over a poem to show our respect for the dark ways, and at last I may rejoice, for it is finished!

Under Banners of Zamorak We Ride Towards the Dawn
Hold your Steel Close to Hand and Say Farewell to your Motherland
Into the Horizonlines Spears so Sharp in Daylight Shines
Attack the Realms Unknown Hordes of Brave Men fully Grown
With Winds from our Northstar Striking Shores oh so Far
Across the Sea and Land in Armour Proud We Stand

As Northern gods We're Born
Beautiful Woman They Us Mourn
Baptised in Fire and Ice
Sworn to Face the Strangers Lies
Sailing the Ocean Black and Blue
We'll Show the World what is True
When the Night Comes Down
Another Land...Another Crown...

Striking Upon the Hillsides
Battlefields Burning in Glory
Chanting Spells of Graverites
Battlefields Burning in Glory

Warlord Kings of Hell and Dark Desire
godsend Son Drowning in Smoke and Fire

I can only hope that you, Zamorak, the only true god, approve of this common warrior's view of the ways.

We must stand together, brothers. If we strike the monastery, it will fall like rain. And my loyalty lies with you always, Zamorak.

A Dark warrior, of the fortress in the Wilderness, self-appointed general of the armies of Zamorak

Hmmm... people who write poetry have always struck me as being very sissy folks who are scared to get their hands dirty with a blade.

Having said that I kind of liked it...

Dear who ever it is who really answers the letters,
I do not much believe in the gods of Q-pea, but I have some questions, and you are the best way to get them answered.
1. What are imps really? I have hunted them for my beads for years. They used to look like little demons, but now they look like tiny people dressed up.
2. What are they and where do they come from, and why are the imps that help Grayzag darker red than all the rest?
3. Could you ask Reldo when he is going to write the third part of the shield of cuepee story.
Why doesn't Lemmy appear as "Lemmy" instead of "Lesser Demon"?
4. The history of runes in the Library says runes were made for those who did not spend long practising the arts of Magick. The best mages in Q-pea practise for hours, days and weeks, so why do we still need runestones?
5. How do the people of Q-pea live their whole lives without sitting down?

Yours faithfully,
Wizard Mizgog, of the Wizards' Tower

More impertinence from wretched saradominists? Hmmm. I answer your questions because I am at a loose end right now, but be wary of taking such a tone with me in future, mortal.

1) They are imps, the most foolish and weak race in this land. Sometimes they choose to disguise themselves as stronger enemies, but do not seem to appreciate their own sense of scale.

2) Grayzag teleports imps in from their own realm, and as they have not yet adjusted to the unique climate we have here on Q-pea, their skin colouring is slightly darker than the 'homegrown' imps raised here.

3) Pah, I ask that fool nothing. I tell him when he may leave my presence and nothing more. I might allow him some small relief from his tortures, but I think he is getting a little big for his boots at the moment and plan on bringing him down a peg or two. Or down a flight of stairs or two.

Lemmy? Who or what is lemmy?

4) Mere mortals do not have the powers of magic running through their blood like I do, so have to store charges made elsewhere upon them, bound into runestones, to release the power at will.
Frankly, you're lucky you even have magic, I can hardly think of any races less deserving of access to the kind of magical powers I possess than your own. There are a few exceptions, such as Iban or Invrigar, but on the whole mages waste their talents on foolish pursuits like making money or heating ores.

There is also a slight degree of strain upon the minds of those who use the magical powers of the gods but that are not naturally adept at channeling that kind of power. You only have to look at the once promising Melzar to see this for yourself...

5) Good footwear and strong calf muscles.

Dastardly Zamorak,

Will there ever be a harder Agility course than mine, so you can watch more people suffer as they fall from even more hellish obstacles? I would like the competition.

Your loyal follower, Cap'n Izzy No-Beard, of the Brimhaven Agility Arena

Well, there is that secret arena in Brimhaven for training agaility; it is always amusing to watch people maim themselves there in a desperate attempt to hit a stone pillar and get a ticket.
I would of course recommend anyone with the required skill and bravery to venture into my deep wilderness and train themselves there... the added bonus is of course that if anyone in front of you is taking too long getting around obstacles and slowing you down, you can just kill them and steal whatever goods they were carrying.

I've been aching to ask a god some questions, and I thought this was the time... well, here goes.
1. What do sapphire rings, sapphire necklaces and emerald rings do?
2. Do you think my name is a bit weird?
3. Why can nobody purify iron? It's really annoying when all you get is impure iron, and you have to go back and mine more, over and over again.
4. It's so taunting when all I see is dragon battleaxes, air and fire staffs, magic bows and gold-trimmed rune. I hate it, because I only have black and iron armour and an adamant two-hander. Could you kill somebody really good like that, so I can take their stuff and be happy again? Please?
5. Why does the town crier blot out people's words with stars, when they are not even close to rude or insulting?

From Wizard Frumscone, of the Wizards' Guild (I know the name is a bit weird, but my mother chose it),

the man in a wizard's hat

1) Sapphire rings throw some of your enemies attack back at them when enchanted, sapphire necklaces look kind of snazzy with a dark coloured costume, and emerald rings when enchanted let the wearer teleport themselves to the dueling arena to settle their problems in the best way: by force.

2) Not as weird as Guthixes dress sense.

3) You should have perhaps asked me what enchanted ruby rings do in your first question...

4) Pah! Do your own dirty work! I am the lord of chaos, not some snivelling maid to run errands for you!

5) *** **** ***** ** ***** with a mackerel.

To whatever lame god reads this,

1st of all i would like to ponit out what kind of back water deitys you 3 are, you have no real history an what you do have falls 20 feet short of making any sence what so ever, like the babbalings of a 4 year old dwarfling, it is quite frankly mind numbing trying to read it with out a headace. It is never about you its all about some other guy who is never mentioned in all of qpea. wich leads us, to your dissmay, to 2nd. Why is it that when some one asks about you or your brothers you wriggle out of the question like a goblin caught with the cabbage. 3rd. Why do you answer the same letters all the time(try answering this one if it anit to serious for your weak little minds) i mean its the same thing. Wich finaly leads us to why i am wrighting, you wish to promte 1.Strength through wisdom 2.strength through chaos an 3.Balance is power. If any of you were any kind of god you would know you will never sucssed, for there is no proof you ever existed, no record lays on the land of qpea. You all sound like a bad vikking who thinks he is a saint (who fell of his cloud). In conclusion who or what would i have to kill to go back and visit old friends and learn more of their craft, like doric for example.

sincerely, he who wishes to destory everything you all know,

a Dwarf, of the Dwarven Mine

I'm sure hidden somewhere in that diatribe is a coherent, well thought out and articulated point you are trying to get across.
I can't be bothered to search for it however.

In fact, I feel like my IQ has dropped by several points just trying to find that point...

As a leader to a motley assortment of various monsters and creatures, my linguistic skills need to be top notch - anyone who's ever tried to explain to a goblin how a gate works to get them out of the fields they foolishly trapped themselves in will appreciate this - but I was unable to take a single coherent thought away from reading this letter.

Although many warriors shun education as unneccessary, I feel at the very least a warrior should learn enough of the basic principles of speech and language to be able to make themselves understood; communication is key in any concerted effort to enforce power.

Why, if I never took the time to let my goblins know what a good job they are doing harrassing newcomers on the path between Lumbridge and Varrock, they would feel disheartened and maybe even give up their ambushes for quieter, more stupid pursuits, such as arguing about the colour of their armour!

O lord of Chaos,
I wish to know more of Hazeel. Who is this mysterious being whom the travellers helped raise from the dead? I admit I do not ask out of loyalty to you. I follow Guthix (praise be to the Balance). But I have no love for the family that lives on Hazeel's rightful land, and I watched the whole affair from the woods. I did hate to see the dog killed. Anyway, tell me more of Hazeel, the great warrior of chaos, second only to you, whom even Zaros should fear, if he ever returns.

Signed,
Pikkupstix, druid of Taverley, seeker of truth

Hazeel is a mahjarrat like myself; you might find it easier to think of him as a distant cousin of mine.
He once had a great deal of power in Ardougne, but was betrayed by their pitiful ruling council for breaking their small minded and pathetic laws.

The man responsible (an ancestor of the cringeworthy Ceril Carnillean) for his death was given his house and riches as reward, but he obviously didn't do a good enough job as Hazeel was merely wounded and placed an enchantment upon himself so that he might heal and return. the fact that Hazeel isn't the sharpest arrow in the quiver, meant that he forgot to take care of the scroll needed to revive him, and had to rely on his loyal followers to complete his spell for him.

Hazeel is now quite alright, and currently running a little errand for me in an undiclosed location. I would tell you more as you seem to have your head screwed on right about who the best deity is around here (me!), but I know those stupid Saradominists sometimes try and spy on my motives through these letters, so I'm not giving too much away. If you helped him out, you already know where he is; if you chose to work against me, then you get no help on this matter from me.
Perhaps you may meet him again, perhaps you may not; it really depends on how successful he is in his mission for me, I suppose. He has let me down before, so I would say he has a fifty-fifty chance of blowing things (and himself up) on his mission.

Zamorak,

Why is the Wilderness?

Shilop, a child of Varrock

Well, really, why not?

And so my time on this realm playing spiritual advisor comes to an end once again.
I hope you enjoyed being insulted as much as I enjoyed insulting you, and although I am going to be very busy in the next few months doing... well, you're going to find out what I have been up to very shortly, so I won't ruin the surprise (or give you the opportunity to wriggle out of it!) but rest assured, doting followers, I will return once more to spread the chaos to which you have all become accustomed.

But until then, I leave you with my favourite saying and traditional sign-off;

Strength through chaos!

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god. But if you would like to communicate with the dastardly one...