Letters #34 - Zamorak Drops a Hat

Zamorak Drops a Hat

The lord of chaos loves a crowd, and this spring the crowds are everywhere. He answers questions on drop parties, singing for hats, free armour trimming and the first masters of the world, and he tortures Reldo a little.

Hail, followers of darkness. The world is full to bursting. Every square has a party, every party has a crowd, and every crowd has a pickpocket. It is the finest spring I can remember.

Zamorak, the travellers throw parties in my Party Room every night. They fill the chest, pull the lever, and the balloons rain down their goods for the quickest hands. Then they fight over a single cabbage. Is it right to give things away like this?

Party Pete, of the Party Room, Falador

Right? It is glorious. A drop party turns a hundred friends into a hundred rivals in the time it takes to pop a balloon. I have seen a paladin elbow a grandmother for a cabbage.

The old world remembers the day the hats fell from the sky over Varrock, and the crowds have chased free things ever since. Keep the lever oiled, Pete.

Dear Zamorak, a crowd stands outside my church singing "Old MacDonald" over and over. They tell me a host will drop another hat if they sing loudly enough. I have written many poems, and this is the worst one I have ever heard. Please make it end.

Elsie, by the church in Varrock

End it? I taught them the song. Evil Cowgod sang it first, at a party long ago, and it has outlived every hymn my brother ever wrote.

E-I-E-I-O, Elsie. Sing along. It will not help, but you will feel included.

Lord of chaos, travellers come to my shop in tears. A stranger in the square offered to trim their armour with gold for free. They handed him their platebodies, and he walked away with them. Now they want me to give them new armour for nothing. Who teaches these strangers?

Horvik, of Horvik's Armour Shop, Varrock

Nobody teaches them. Free armour trimming teaches itself. It is the oldest trick in the square: say "free", hold out your hand, and walk away briskly.

Hang a sign in your window, Horvik: "Nothing is free." Then charge double for the sign.

Zamorak, I write against my better judgement. I am compiling a book of the first masters of every art, and you were there for all of them. Who was first? Please answer before my next accident.

Reldo, of the Library of Varrock

Reldo. How lovely to hear from you. I will answer, and then you will have an accident anyway.

Everdred mastered the trees first. Bluerose13x mastered magic, then the anvil. Ltangel mastered crafting and walked to Varrock in a parade, dropping holy symbols along the road. My brother's symbols. In the mud. I laughed for a week. Write that down.

A Goblin, of Goblin Village, asks: "Why does nobody throw a party for goblins?"
They do. You are the decorations.

Strength through chaos,

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god.