Letters #5 - Moody monsters

Saradomin Responds.

Five Ages after creating the world of Q-pea, the great god Saradomin now regularly communicates with the inhabitants of this fast evolving planet. An agreement with his brothers prohibits him from directly intervening into Q-pea's affairs, but in his great omniscience he still listens to the prayers of those who seek his knowledge.

Dear Saradomin,

The beasts have grown so fierce. I only went down to the mine to fetch a little ore for my husband's forge, with a pick, a hammer and a mithril bar in my basket, and the dwarves set upon me before I had found a single rock. Now I have nothing. Could you make the dwarves a little calmer? I am only a humble villager, and I know my opinion counts for little.

Anja, of Rimmington

Make dwarves less aggressive? Whatever next? That's like asking humans to stop complaining all the time. Anyway, dwarves just wouldn't be dwarves if they weren't huffing and snorting and shoving axes in your face. However, Andrew has just admitted to accidentally tampering with their water supply, which may have made them particularly frisky of late. The plumbers have now been called.

Dear Saradomin,
What has Q-pea come to? On my morning rounds of Falador I see outlanders standing in one spot for hours, mining, fishing, blinking in and out of the world, and never tiring. Surely some spirit moves them, and surely that should be against the rules. It is not fair on those who earn their skill by sweat. The Council's beasts catch a few of them, but not the miners and the fishers. Will the Council not stop them?

From your follower, the Squire of the White Knights, Falador

Many are tired of the tireless miners you speak of. The council permits macros in this world, and it changes the work itself instead. Mining and fishing will shortly need less tedious clicking, and they will be more fun. The rocks will be much easier to mine, but you will need to rest or eat food occasionally whilst mining.

The upshot of this is that honest miners should be able to mine ore slightly quicker, whilst the macros gain little on them.

To Saradomin,

I sell fine clothes in Varrock, and I have just learned that a fancy dress seller across town is offering a red party hat. A party hat! Every lady of means knows that hats, crackers, eggs and pumpkins are the rarest treasures in the land, and show true wealth. If he sells them by the dozen, what becomes of their worth? And what becomes of my shop?

Thessalia, of Thessalia's Fine Clothes, Varrock

Yes, there has been a lot of interest in the fancy dress shop and its red party hat. And if the shop-keeper was actually able to get some in stock, I'm sure there would even more. It seems that he has been advertising these hats as some kind of cheap marketing ploy, to get adventurers salivating in anticipation. It obviously worked...

Dear Saradomin,

Lately I see outlanders everywhere in priest's robes, and some of them sell the robes on for a fortune. When I ask where they got them, they will not say. I am a monk, and I have never been given such robes. Where do they come from? Or am I seeing things in my old age?

Brother Omad, of the Ardougne monastery

No, you're not imagining it- they really do exist. You can find them in south Varrock as part of the Biohazard Quest.

O Mighty Sage,

Through all the ages, archery has been the noblest of arts. A bow and an arrow working as one to strike their mark is a beautiful thing to see, and I have made both all my life.
My worry is the way the other fighters treat my customers, the young and loud ones most of all. An archer can join a fight already under way, and sometimes win it. Instead of learning the bow themselves, the swordsmen curse my archers and chase them off. Some archers do take advantage, I admit, and some swordsmen deserve it. But it sours the whole land.

How can the bow win the respect it deserves, and the swordsmen learn to share?

Hickton, of Hickton's Archery Emporium, Catherby

As a god of peace, I am a firm believer in the value of constructive dialogue. So please allow me to defer to a more contrary voice on the matter.

Greetings Saradomin,

I have a complaint about archers. Let them keep their bows, if they are afraid to get their hands dirty. But when I am fighting a beast with my good dragon axe and an archer shoots it from behind a tree, he steals my glory. It is rude. It is just as rude to wade into a beast an archer is already shooting. Let a beast be one fighter's at a time, and let the others find their own.

Otto Godblessed, of the barbarian outpost

Hmm, seems like we've got a bit of an impasse here. Looks like you're just going to have to learn how to get along. A prayer to prevent others from interfering with your combat is however planned at some point in the distant future.

Dear Saradomin,
When I was a boy, all of Varrock talked about the black hole. I went to see it for myself, and it was gone. Juliet says it was never there at all. Where did it go, and will it ever come back?

Romeo, of Varrock square

Well there are lots of theories about black holes, with some professors claiming that they represent the origins of evolution itself. But when you're a god you don't like to harp on about the whole evolution thing too much.

In scientific terms, black holes represented the world's first sin bin, banishing miscreants for all eternity.Or at least for some of it. The only problem was, the black hole developed such a reputation that warriors were going out of their way to be plunged into its eternal void. Those who had sworn blind to be upright individuals now just swore blindly. Anything to get thrown into the black hole.

Only later did was it discovered that this was the work of Zamorock, cleverly designed in order to glamorise evil deeds. From then on the council just banned people instead, and with no more matter to envelop, the black hole turned in on itself and imploded.

Dear Saradomin,
The world grows fast, and so do its prices. A good scimitar costs more coins than my counter can hold, and a single sale takes all afternoon to count out. Would it not be a joy to have value-paper? One sheet worth ten thousand coins, and the trade is done in a moment.

Your humble follower, Zeke, of the scimitar shop in Al Kharid

Yes, this does seem like a good idea. I understand that the powers that be will be implementing some kind of bank note system in the not too distant future. Your fiscal problems will soon be over!

Years ago, when I first came to Al Kharid as an honest young merchant, I was cheated out of everything on my first day. So I decided I would be the one doing the cheating from then on, and no merchant has cheated me since. But now no customer trusts me either. How should a man like me deal with the people of Q-pea?

Ali Morrisane, merchant of Al Kharid

Yes, that is a tricky one. All I know is, I wouldn't be too happy about buying a second-hand camel from you.

Until next time my faithful friends.

Strength through wisdom,
Saradomin