Letters #9 - Zamorak retaliates!

Zamorak retaliates!

AFTER 8 NEWSLETTERS OF COMMUNICATING WITH HIS PEOPLE, THE GOD SARADOMIN HAS BEEN SHUNTED ASIDE BY HIS EVIL BROTHER ZAMORAK, LORD OF ALL DARKNESS AND GENERALLY UNPLEASANT DEITY. AN AGREEMENT WITH HIS BROTHERS PREVENTS HIM FROM INTERFERING DIRECTLY WITH THE AFFAIRS OF Q-PEA, BUT ZAMORAK ISN'T KNOWN AS BEING A GREAT KEEPER OF PROMISES.

Hail, all ye followers of darkness! Cower in terror, all seekers of light. Everyone else can just listen. That self-righteous brother of mine has been hogging the stage for far too long, especially when Q-pea players know who holds the real power around here- me!

So I've stolen Saradomin's mailbag and thrown all his letters on the floor. I had to pick them up again in order to read them, but I think I made my point.
Some of them were quite good actually- even if most represented the sort of pathetic whining that I would expect from followers of Saradomin.

For example:

Dear Saradomin

We old ones of the castle are so under-rated. The outlanders call me a noob, and I have walked this courtyard since the very beginning. When the young ones argue about when the world began, they all say it was the first winter of the outlanders. When I say it was long before, they laugh. But your own letters say Saradomin made the world five ages ago. Does that not prove the world is older than they think?

Hans, of Lumbridge castle

Clearly not. And if you were truly a "veteran", you would know when Q-pea was created. Your friends are right to laugh at you.

But at the same time, you were obviously trying to intimidate others with your pretence of superior knowledge, and for this you deserve some credit.

In other letters and prayers, Father Urhney of the Lumbridge swamp asks "where the skeletons in my swamp keep coming from". My advice would be to head down to the wilderness and find out. As Guthix would say, the answers are inside of you.

Ah, how I love the wildy. That place where death and deceit go hand in hand.

For some, this is a problem. Abbot Langley of the Edgeville monastery complains that "the travellers who stop at our gate on their way north lie to one another for a single dagger, and I can find no honest soul among them".

"Of the travellers who set out north together from our gate, I have counted that about a third come back having killed their own companions."

This is what I like to hear! So be warned all naive and foolish types: conducting surveys on the trustworthiness of your friends can leave you vulnerable to attack. But the final word must go to Zaff of the Varrock staff shop, on the subject of Christmas hats.

"I, personally, closed my shop and was out in the snow before the first cock crowed, to find the hats." (applause).

He then complains that his neighbour strolled out at noon and found hats too.

As god of chaos and evil, I naturally assumed that I was the expert at bringing misery into people's lives. But you, Zaff, show a level of stinginess that surpasses all other staff sellers, a meanness of heart that I thought was unattainable in mere mortals.

Feeling suitably inspired, I must now go and bring some more chaos and destruction to the universe. To all those who have been waiting patiently for me, our moment is nigh!

Strength through chaos-

Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of DoubleU. DoubleU would ban him, but he's a god.